When it’s all said and done, there’s that entity waiting for you. You might successfully turn others’ attention to somewhere else, you can tell beautiful stories to justify your choices or you might try to copy from the others and act like it’s all complete. But you’d know that element is missing. You’d know you’ve been hiding from it all along.
Anything that reminds you of that will make you react some way. You’ll push every thought because you don’t want to start over. You don’t want to be a beginner because you have all these things built already, never mind that they are not true to you. And you will push those who took the leap early on, or those who’ve decided to be themselves in the end, knowingly or not. You’ll make serious effort to see the complications in them. But it really won’t make you feel any better, because you’ve made little demons out of defense, and they won’t leave you until you acknowledge them.